Parents.
For some of us, this single word brings up emotions we’d otherwise not feel. Some of us may be experiencing difficulties with our parents right now. Or maybe we’re hanging on to hurtful experiences from the past that still taint the way we see and interact with them today.
But regardless of what the word parent means to us, we need to recognize and remember that without them, we would not be here.
I make a concerted effort to tell my mom on a regular basis how much I love her, especially now realizing what it is I must’ve put her through. From ages 13 to 17, I was Sassy McSassy. Hell on wheels equipped with my father’s German temper and teenage angst. I made sure my voice was heard. Sneaking out of the house at night, rolling my eyes at them, bringing home N’s and U’s on my report card for classroom conduct.
Oy. I’m appalled when I think back to how I used to act but quickly forgive myself knowing it was just a phase of self-discovery and individuation that is normal for any teenager to go through.
Having gone through all the evolutions of parental perceptions that is normal as we mature into adulthood, I now see things I perceived as negative in a whole new light.
For instance, I carried certain resentments with me for years after the inciting incidents. I begged my parents to let me take gymnastics but was repeatedly denied. I wanted to do a school activity and signed up for track but because it interfered with ballet rehearsals, I had to quit. I had to stop riding horses, an activity I loved and had a lot of potential at, but because Dad feared I’d get a big butt and ruin my ballerina figure, I had to quit.
May sound trite to some but in my little teenage brain, it was a big deal. I felt like I never got to do what I wanted to do.
But at a certain point I realized that the reason my parents prevented me from engaging in certain activities was because they had my best interests at heart. Not because they wanted to shun my desires. They saw my potential and talent as a dancer and made the decision to keep me from situations where I could hurt myself and possibly threaten my future prospects.
Their decisions on my behalf were birthed from love. And isn’t that a parent’s job? To recognize their child’s strengths and cultivate their innate talents?
But how often do we hang on to the hurts and disappointments of the past? It’s a crutch that’s easy to fall onto but at a certain point it becomes our responsibility to claim our future as our own. And not be held back by any perceived misfortune of our younger years but to let all that go and become the person we want to be now.
I now recognize my mom for the angel that she is and always has been. Her ballerina career was just beginning to take off when she got pregnant with me. For someone whose career depended on maintaining the utmost perfection with her body, she took this “surprise” in stride. Welcoming me into this world with open arms. And as she continued along a career path that required so much of her, she always managed to give me the love and support I needed to grow. She is the definition of what it means to live a grace-filled, grace-driven life. Even amidst my rants and raves, she always approached me with love and quickly forgave me for my faults.
I now recognize how lucky I was to have my father. At one point, he was willing to give up his career for my own and move me to Paris to study with the Paris Opera Ballet, if I so desired. He took the time to personally introduce me to famous dancers such as Fernando Bujones and Darcy Bussell in an attempt to inspire me to the greatness of what I could be. And always stood by in the wings with a glimmer in his eye as I danced to the music they choreographed for me. And even though I ultimately decided not to become a professional ballerina, I am so grateful for the opportunities they blessed me with.
Reflecting on my childhood as compared to many other horrible stories of sexual abuse and poverty, I am ashamed to admit I ever had any negative thoughts considering my upbringing. But everything’s relative. What I went through was important to me at the time. But I later realized that using my past as an excuse for my perceived failures as an adult was just downright immature.
We always have to be careful what we deem as reality. Is what we’re perceiving the truth or just our perception of the situation? Can you love your parents for what they gave you instead of what you think they didn’t?
Parents have to sacrifice so much for their children. Something I can’t fathom since I haven’t had kids yet but seeing what my mommy friends go through, I am always in awe. I think it’s the ultimate love and something I hope to experience one day.
So how about you? Did you ever allow false thoughts about your parents to hold you back in any way? If so, were you finally able to reconcile those perceptions and love them for who they are? Do you feel not having a good relationship with your parents holds you back in life? For the parents out there, what do you feel the balance is with guiding your child but also allowing them to explore their own desires?
Lovely post. The teenage years are rough on everybody involved, that’s for sure! We’re getting tidbits of that now w/ our ten year old, but our family motto (some might call it brainwashing, *wink*) has always been and will always be, “We always love and we always forgive, no matter what.” Love the love story between you and your folks!!
Thanks Myndi!
That’s such a beautiful motto. Sounds like you’ll get through the teen years just fine with such a strong commitment to love and forgiveness 🙂
You are right, we don’t know the whole picture. I harbored major grudges against my parents – and they were justified – I grew up in a home with two alcoholic parents who abused me – my father sexually abused me with my moms full knowledge. I have since forgiven them (they are now dead, were dead when I finally came to the point of forgiving them.) But, in writing my memoir facts of their childhood emerged and I realized both of them were abused – and sadly hurt people, hurt people. It does not absolve their behavior for they made the choices they did. I chose not to abuse my three children and they grew up happy and as young adults still keep in touch with their dad and myself. But I can see how insidious abuse is and some of why my parents were so out of control. We need to forgive for the freedom it gives us. I’m no longer shackled by the hurt of the past and I’m free to move forward. Thanks for this post and for reminding me that ALL children have things that they don’t understand about their parents and the parent’s motivation. Thanks . God bless you.
Heather
Thank you for sharing your experience. I have had friends endure really hard childhoods, just like you, and some of which are still crippled by their experiences. But as you say, we need to forgive for the freedom it gives us. I am so sorry you had to endure such horrible circumstances but what a testament to you as a person for rising above and forgiving those who hurt you.
I used to think my story was so trite compared to most. And I had no right to complain but then I realized everything is relative. And any perception of our past experiences that are holding us back in ANY WAY, must be addressed and dissolved in order to live the life we’re meant to have. That’s my opinion anyway 🙂
I believe the first sign of maturity is realizing that our parents were not sadists, retards or plotting ways to make our lives miserable, LOL. It is easy to criticize but then we start facing the same trials and it can give us a really profound appreciation for the good times. My Spawn thinks I am evil and mean because I don’t let him play with knives and stick hair pins in the light sockets. One day, though, he will have a better perspective ;). Great post.
Great post, Ingrid. One of the most important parts of the story was that you forgave yourself for harboring ill feelings against them. Sometimes it’s harder to forgive ourselves than to forgive others, but it’s crucially important.
You rock.
Aw. Thanks David! I agree. Forgiving ourselves is sometimes the hardest but I guess it’s all a part of growing up. So glad I’m done with that part of my life though. Whew!
What a beautiful post!!! You are an amazing writer. I am sooooo proud of you!!!
love,
Mom
Love you too Mama 🙂
My husband struggles with saying NO to our daughter. She is truly “Daddy’s Little Girl”, and he hates when she is upset. What I keep reminding him of is that it’s our job to do what is BEST for her, not what is EASIEST. If her being angry with me means I am raising a polite, responsible, kind, productive member of society, then that’s a burden I’m willing to carry.
Amen to that! I completely agree. Setting proper boundaries is such an issue for so many people these days. Sounds like you’re doing a great job with your little girl though 😉
Something I’ve learned as a parent is: it’s tough to sit back and let your kids make their own decisions. You want to keep them from your mistakes. They have to make their own mistakes in order to grow. As parents, we just have to step back, pray, and accept that happening.
Yep! How can we learn to make our own decisions when we’re out on our own, if we’re not given the opportunity when we’re still under our parents care?
Thank you for the beautiful comment 🙂
I had and have good relationships with both my mom and dad. And I feel fortunate for that. I wasn’t particularly rebellious in my teen years but having a teen daughter, I now see the constant care, repetition and guidance that is necessary to get through those years with a positive relationship intact. Thanks for the insights, Ingrid. 🙂
Thank you for the beautiful comment Kecia 🙂 Keep it positive is key!