It’s better to be alone than in bad company.
My dad used to say this to me all the time growing up. What a wise man he was. And although he cautioned me about leaving my marriage with tales of his once lonely existence in New York, he ultimately supported my decision in leaving a union that no longer served the two of us involved. It’s not that either of us were bad people, but having been college sweethearts, we’d just grown our separate ways.
Since leaving my marriage in 2007 I am proud to declare I’ve remained single. With the exception of a one-year relationship directly following my divorce which still leaves me with four solid years of being on my own. A huge accomplishment for myself.
Knowing my tendency as a serial-monogamist, I purchased a very expensive, designer dog just after my final relationship ended in 2009 to prevent myself from getting lonely enough to enter another relationship just for company.
[As a side note, I’m a huge adopter of stray animals. Have been my whole life but I knew that in order to have a dog in a New York City apartment, I needed a puppy that would only grow to a specific size. Five pounds max. I needed something portable and low maintenance.]
But I had just moved to New York and my friends cried,
Why would you get a dog in New York City? You’re never home. It’s going to tie you down. You just got your wings. You need to run free.
To which I replied:
Yes. But what you don’t realize is if I don’t get this dog, I will be tempted to get a boyfriend, and God-forbid a husband, which would be death to me at this point.
Sounds severe I know. But knowing my roller-coaster relationship woes in the past, they quickly shut their mouths and moved on to other subjects.
I had become the real-life version of the Runaway Bride. Down to the fact that just like Roberts’ character in the movie of the same title, I too had no clue how I liked my eggs. I’d been in a non-stop relationship marathon since the age of 14, with the exception of a one-year break, and had no idea who I was apart from a man.
I vividly remember driving down the road at the end of that one-year break at age 21 and finally feeling like I liked who I was. Feeling comfortable with being on my own. I was getting to know myself as Ingrid. Not Ingrid, “Such-and-Such’s Girlfriend.” Just Ingrid.
I was finally happy. On my own. When BAM! I ran into my future husband.
Without proper time for my authentic self to cure, I once again lost myself in a man.
So 15 years of being someone else’s half undoubtedly left me as half a person whenever they’d leave. There was a void, which inevitably I’d fill with another man. Monogamy was the perfect solution to my subconscious brain and you can’t blame it. It’s all I’d ever known.
Albeit the men I chose were always amazing. But I inherently knew, after my divorce, that I needed to meet myself before I could welcome anyone else into my life. And as I’ve often heard in the last five years, the best relationships are when two whole people come together in union. Not out of desperation or need, but with the intention of joining forces and sharing in the joys of life together.
So thank goodness for my Edie. Though not an official care-dog, she successfully helped guide me away from bad habits toward the person I’d always wanted to be. Strong, whole, and authentically me.
Now five years after splitting from the man I married, I can officially say I’m whole again. I’m no longer looking for a man to put me back together again. I no longer feel like Humpty Dumpty, cracked and broken, in need of someone to fix me. The job is done and while it wasn’t an easy task, it gave me my Threadbare Gypsy Soul which I wouldn’t trade for the world.
So as we approach our national Hallmark holiday in honor of St. Valentine I just want to give a shout-out of support to all my fellow Singletons. And instead of moaning and groaning about being alone while all the lovers out there ogle over their fancy dinners, remember, we cannot have what it is we condemn. If you desire to have a romantic relationship one day that may or may not lead to procreation, enjoy yourself for now. For the more you love and enjoy yourself, the quicker and more likely it is that you’ll attract the perfect mate that you so desire.
Go read my dear friend Kristen Lamb’s post, Twas the Night Before Valentines and have a good laugh! Treat yourself to a night on the town. And make a toast to yourself for standing alone since for some of us, it ain’t an easy thing to do.
Oh, and by the way, I like my eggs scrambled over-medium. A technique I came up with myself and they’re delicious.
So how bout you? Are you a serial monogamist? Do you feel people need to know themselves before getting in a relationship or does the relationship help them know themselves? What are your opinions on what makes commitment work?
Photo courtesy of Paramount Pictures
I’ve always known how I like my eggs – runny. But maybe it’s easier for a guy.
I’ve never understood why people would tie themselves down with pets when they don’t have children to play with them, but you’ve given me a bit of insight into the matter. If that’s what it took for you, I’m glad you got to where you are. You seem to be a well-rounded lady with both feet on the ground.
Glad you love the dog, because I think the toddler in the house has adopted your cat.
Thanks David! But actually, it’s the elders in the house that have stolen my cat 😉 (who, by the way, was a rescue.) I found him under the outdoor theatre I performed at last summer… it was love at first sight.
I made a lot of impulse decisions over the years but at least I had enough sense to know that my only hope was a dog. Funny as it sounds 😉
What a beautiful post. I have been down your path…not knowing who I was but starting to inch closer to something I liked…then a man walked into my life. When I was young it seemed so much easier to tag along with someone who knew who they were instead of discover who I was. Rather sad when you can’t even pick out a shower curtain for fear he would not like it. After about fifteen years of being single and feeling great, I just recently remarried. I have to agree with you. A darling little puppy is a perfect place to let your heart rest. I loved reading your post.
I think it’s common for women. We’re taught to submit and serve. It’s been this way for how many hundreds of years? I’m actually reading a book right now (The Tao of Equus) that talks about how the current role of the female (as having less power in society over men) is actually, historically, only a recent evolution. Within the last couple hundred years. But I think our power as women in our own right is growing stronger and stronger as a whole.
That’s awesome you took your time to remarry. I am doing the same! And not giving my biological clock a vote. Whatever happens is meant to be 🙂
Sunny side up! Excellent view, Ingrid. We must love ourselves before we can truly love anyone else. Cute doggie!
Thanks George! She’s my angel 🙂
Love Edie, Love your small boobs cause small boobs rule (catching up here,) Loved all your ex’s (except Mowgli,) Loved Loved Loved your Dad, and Love that you are Ingrid, not so and so’s girlfriend. 🙂 Love you. PS. Loved Kristen’s Valentine too.
Awwww… 🙂 hehe!! I’m blushing 🙂
Isn’t that poem hilarious!? Love YOU Cara. You’ve been one of my dearest friend. Through thick and thin. You’ve been by my side through all the crazy times (whew! thank goodness that’s over.)
I love you my friend and so thankful to have your friendship. Cheers to small boobs!!
Love this post, Ingrid! And yet again, I see parallels in our lives. I married and divorced young and got a huge man-hating dog to keep me single and away from Hollywood party-ville. 😉 As it turned out, my dog somewhat led me to my fantastic husband.
In between all of that, though, I cherished some very important single, on-my-own time…something the serial monogamist I’m prone to being desperately needed. We are strongest and happiest when we can feel happy and at peace all on our own. I truly believe that.
I know! It’s like we’re kindred spirits 🙂 Makes you realize, like Kristen Lamb says, we are not alone. That’s my favorite part the blogsphere is reading others’ stories and realizing how similar many of us are. That experiences we thought were so unique to only us, often making us feel isolated, are actually shared by many people.
And I completely agree! I’ve never been so happy and felt such inner strength in my life. The most amazing feeling in the world! In my opinion 😉
PS I’m in love with Edie!
hehe 😉 me too!!
I got engaged at 16 and married at 18. after 30 years of marriage I knew it wasn’t for me anymore. and he agreed, so I left. it’s been an interesting 14 years, but I am so glad I went on my own. I am completely content. in fact I can’t imagine sharing my life with anyone now. I’m enjoying my life and doing it my way.
Edie is a doll. I have 2 fur babies to keep me grounded and to keep me warm at night.
Awesome. They’re the best 🙂 And good for you for staying single and finding for bliss. Very inspiring!
I like Sunnyside up when I do eat eggs. Which isn’t often. I don’t like to cook my breakfast much, it seems like too much of an effort when you first wake up-lol. I’ve been single for years now after a nasty divorce. I have two children who keep me busy and unlonely plus 3 cats and a dog. I have never been so happy as the past couple years, getting to know myself again. I don’t know if there’s someone perfect for me out there, I just trust that I can make it on my own if I have to.
You go girl! And you certainly can. If I can do it, so can you 😉 Thanks for sharing!
Loved it!!!
love,
Mom
Thanks Ma! Without your support I could’ve never gotten through those hard times. I am so blessed to have you as my Mom… the most amazing Mom ever 🙂
I. Love. Your. Dog! She is adorable and just the kind that would make me want to take her everywhere with me like those ladies do that have the cute little doggie handbags. Oh, so sweet!
I’m a serial marry-er. Unlike you, I didn’t stay with a husband long enough to get to know him or me. Until I had my daughter (she was my Edie) and learned to love unconditionally. That’s when I met my husband and we’ve been together for 16 years. It still surprises me sometimes that I can commit to a relationship long-term!
Love reading your story and I like my eggs over easy on whole grain toast. Yum.
ps, Kristen’s poem was awesomesauce.
Wasn’t it!? Yeah… It’s so refreshing to hear one another’s stories and realize these are actually common things a lot of us go thru. Makes us feel less alone 🙂
Edie rocks!! She’s my baby 🙂 So glad you found the ability to commit. It’s a major accomplishment and one I still hope to do one day 🙂
Hi Ingrid. I’m glad you’re happy. I spent 10 yrs between marriages as a singleton and I think it took at least the first 5 to settle down. Mind you “settle down” is a relative term 🙂
What the heck is “over medium?”
Cheers!