All my life I wanted boobs.
Well, I take that back. Only when I quit dancing and moved to Los Angeles did I begin to obsess over my cleavage, or lack there of. While I was dancing in Texas, it never fazed me. Nor did it faze my high school sweetheart who loved me just the way I was. But as soon as I hung up my toe shoes and headed for Hollywood, a seed of insecurity began to blossom within me.
In hindsight, it probably had more to do with the environment than internal workings but it soon became a problem. The silicon that surrounded me began seeping into my soul. I toyed around with my weight, hoping it would redistribute itself but instead, it went straight to my butt. I tried chest exercises and visualization techniques to no avail. Little blips of insecurity concerning my chest would flit across my mind at least once a day.
I prayed. I hoped. I wished. But still, no change.
I once confessed my woes to my curvaceously-blessed friend, Sammi, to which she replied,
“Ingrid. You have beautiful little pippins.”
“Pippins?”
“Yes. Pippins. They’re so dainty and proportionate and perfect for YOU. You’d look funny if you had boobs.”
To which I blushed. And for a moment, I believed her.
The men in my life never seemed to mind. During our marriage, my ex-husband would scoff any time I’d mention my size and again would tell me I was perfect just the way I was. After my divorce I dated a guy who refused to let me complain about my breasts and in bed would lovingly say,
“When you’re with me, you’re not gonna to cover up. I love your body.”
He said it with such sincerity but I couldn’t accept his words as my own. I couldn’t let go of the fact that I yearned each day for a C in place of my A. Or at least a full B. Was that too much to ask?
Finally sick of it all, I scheduled a consultation with a plastic surgeon. By God, I wasn’t going to live another day thinking or dwelling on something that I could, in fact, change. Why not? Everyone else was doing it. In LA it was, and still is, akin to getting a facial or having your nails done. It’s commonplace. I was an anomaly for not having fake boobs.
I endured the topless visit where the surgeon told me I was indeed a great candidate. And he explained the procedure in such a way that made me feel comfortable and confident with my decision to change my body.
But ultimately I just couldn’t do it. The idea of being cut into and having foreign objects placed inside of me for the rest of my life, and all the complications that could ensue, freaked me out.
So now I was faced with the fact that unless I ever have kids, this was it for me. I was going to have to accept my body the way it was.
Over time I’ve come to accept this part of myself more and more. I can’t say I still don’t long for a cupeth that spilleth over but it no longer occupies my everyday thinking.
Instead I choose to focus on what I do have and express my gratitude for it.
I am grateful that I have a strong and healthy body which allows me to climb mountains, swim seas and explore the world.
I am grateful that I have two arms and two legs that allow me to dance or run a race while some are bound to wheelchairs for the rest of their lives.
I am grateful that I’ve been able to retain my ballet figure with little to no effort years after quitting and I can eat whatever I want without gaining a pound.
I am grateful to have friends in my life who reflect back to me the beauty of who I really am inside and out. Come to find out Merriam-Webster defines a “pippin” as:
a highly admired or very admirable person or thing.
I think Sammi is a keeper.
As my love and gratitude grow for what I do have in my life and for what my body provides, that little voice of dissatisfaction is banished to its cave and no longer heard. But I must be vigilant in minding my thoughts to ensure I never go down that road of self-rejection and self-loathing ever again.
So how about you? How would you rate your self-image? Are there things about your body you wish you could change? Can you accept yourself the way you are? Or if it is something you can change, like your weight, can you finally do something about it? Are there things about your body, like freckles or a gap between your teeth, that used to bother you but now you accept as part of who you are and your uniqueness? Come on… I showed you mine, now show me yours.
Inspired by a Sam Levinson poem, author August McLaughlin created Beauty of a Woman BlogFest to which I’m a proud contributor. Head on over to her blog on Friday, February 10th, to read more stories on beauty and self-image and for chances to win awesome prizes, including a Kindle Touch or a $99 Amazon gift card, body image coaching, BOAW mugs, and more.
Photo courtesy of artflakes.com
Ingrid, I have chills from my cheeks to my toes. I’m so glad you chose to embrace the body you’ve been given. Sharing your story will no doubt inspire others to do the same.
Beauty truly does come in all shapes and sizes, cliche-sounding or not. And you, my friend, are gorgeous inside and out.
Thank you August 🙂 You’ve inspired me so much with my writing recently. Ever since I read about your “maxi” and “dirt” experiences, it gave me the strength to start revealing more touchy subjects with myself. And it’s been SOOOO liberating. Thank you for inspiring us all to go deep and reveal the very things that are going to help us all connect to one another. Beauty of a Woman Blogfest is genius. And you, my friend, truly define what it is to be beautiful through your actions, words and deeds. Thank you.
Ingrid,
I’d kill, (well, severely bruise) for a dancers poise and body.
Thanks be you left things alone, I’m sure you look absolutely wonderful.
brendan
Thank you Brendan! I am very blessed in many ways, as we all are, and am finally looking at what I’ve been given instead of what I’ve not. 🙂
She does, Brendan.
What a great topic to discuss for August’s blogfest. I have had several friends go through the same debate. I always encouraged them to stay the way you are – naturally beautiful. Some took the advice, and others carried through with doctors visits. I always had a hard time understanding why people felt the need to change or alter in any way our natural look. We are who we are, take it or leave it, just don’t change it. In a dream, society would place less emphasis on the bigger is better mentality in women. Great post!
Thank you Tim! As my grandfather said to me when I dyed my chestnut hair black, “Natural is always best.” 🙂 And it’s true. We are each perfectly designed but the key is recognizing that in ourselves.
Great post 🙂 Why is it we always want what someone else has? I have a very full head of hair, and I’ve always wanted straight, fine hair. People I meet with straight, fine hair always tell me they wish they had my hair. It’s such a difficult thing to be satisfied just the way we are.
Totally! I once had hair so thick I couldn’t wrap a hair band around it. I cursed it and wanted my friend’s silky, straight hair so badly. Well, years later I now have that hair (probably due to ingesting too many birth control pills). I got what I wanted and you know what?! I’d give anything to have my old hair back.
Pippin! That’s my new favorite word. You’re lucky, Ingrid, you can get away with not wearing a bra! If that isn’t reason to celebrate, I don’t know what is.
Funny, but when I lived in Hollywood, I obsessed about getting a boob job, too. I was a perfect 34C, so it was stupid, I know, but something about that town makes you feel incomplete unless you alter yourself in some way.
My daughter, who is teeny tiny, has huge breasts and I’m sure she’d tell you that you got the better end of the bargain. Back pain, hassles with biking and jogging (two jog bras and they still are wild monkeys jumping all around), not to mention having to buy the expensive bras to give better support – yeah you made a good call staying natural.
You know, you and August are two of the most beautiful people I know and to read how both of you have struggled with body issues makes me think maybe we’re all fed the insecurity Kool-Aid as babies. I love this blogfest because it is women reclaiming their right to be free from societal standards. Girl Power!
Amen to that Sistah!!
“Two wild monkeys”… LOL!!! Wow. That’s freakin’ hilarious! But I gotta say, I look forward to being pregnant one day so I can at least experience what that’s like, even if I end up not liking it 😉
Thank you so much for your support Tameri! And I agree… it’s time to stand together and empower one another 🙂
Ingrid- new follower here! My story is so incredibly similar to yours I almost feel as if you’ve written mine. It took a long time to realize that I’m beautiful with small breasts. Some days I stare at myself in the mirror and hate how I look BUT all it takes is to walk away from the mirror and remember that there are so many things to be grateful for and I am gorgeous just the way I am 🙂
Keep with it, girl. You are absolutely lovely. Thank you for posting.
Thank you Juliana! I’m so glad you liked it! I know there’s a lot of women out there who feel the same which is why I wanted to write about it. It can feel so isolating at times but once you put it all out there, you feel less alone 🙂 Best wishes on your journey toward self-acceptance 🙂
I have boob issues too… Not aesthetic, but practical; they don’t match. And I have a love-hate relationship with my glasses, but lucky me, my husband likes them. Ok I’m done bitching now… Great blog.
Thanks! If it’s not one thing it’s the other. And isn’t it funny how the men we end up with never mind?! Somethin’ to think about 😉
I used to be flat-chested before I had The Spawn. Back in college I was really insecure so I got those squishy inserts that you put in your bra to make you look like you had “boobage.” Anyway, went dancing and one fell out on the dance floor. Looked like someone had dropped an uncooked chicken breast right on the dad-gum floor! I was so embarrassed cuz people didn’t notice and they were all stepping on my $40 fake boob. Finally I retrieved my breast from the floor and stuffed it back where it belonged. That was the last time I bothered with those silly things.
I used to want boobs until I got them. Now my shirts ll fit funny and I run into door casings. True story.
Thanks for sharing your insecurity. Makes you skinny-ballerina types more real to those of us who long to be willowy :D. Hugs!
LOL!!!! I can’t stop laughing 🙂 I have those but could never bring myself to use them for that exact reason. With my luck I’d have been out to dinner with a guy and they would’ve ended up on my dinner plate 🙂
Love ya girl 😉
Great post! It’s amazing how many women out there (myself included) are not happy with the way they look!
I have a friend who own’s a clothing boutique and she recently told me how amazed she is with the comments women make about their bodies. Everything from saggy knees (my personal issue…and I was so happy to hear from her that I wasn’t alone) to wrinkly elbows.
What a shame that because of advertising, so many women aspire to a perfect body more than a perfect mind.
I agree. But hopefully that will soon change. The more we talk about it, the more it will have an affect on future generations and maybe one day, women as a whole will focus more on their brains and what they have to give to the world than the size of their bra or waistline 🙂
Thank you for the comic relief Kristen! Are we ever really happy with our bodies Ingrid? I guess that’s why I wrote the post I did. I’ve had all kinds of issues over the years. I don’t like the way my ears stick out, and I also used to dance. I wanted to go the opposite direction with my boobs. But after hearing what was involved, I totally chickened out. It sounded way too painful. I see all these cut fashions, but they never fit right for someone with my kind of figure. It’s a real disappointment. And it’s not like I’m overly gifted. I’m middle of the road. Thank you for this honest post.
You’re welcome 🙂 I know I’m closer than ever before with accepting my body for what it is. And as I’ve come to accept and love it exactly the way it is, my life has blossomed. Because deep down, it’s really about acceptance on all levels. The more we can love ourselves, the more we can love others. And loving and giving to others is what it’s all about 😉
I’ll bet most of the girls who loves their D cups in their teens and twenties would be glad to trade with you by their late thirties. You don’t have to worry about bruising your knees or digging deep furrows in your shoulders with your bra straps. Besides all that, you really are beautiful just as you are.
Thank you David 🙂 As are you my friend.
This made me laugh. And miss you. More than ever.
Love, Sami with one M and pippins
Awwww! I miss you too Sami with one M! You, too, have always been so encouraging. I know I mentioned this to you before and you always made me feel good about how I naturally look. You inspired me so much when you took it all off for that burlesque show! How empowering that must’ve been 🙂 One day I might dare to try it 😉 Love you and see you in a few months!
It’s funny that a lot of my friends and people I talk to want larger boobs and yet I would do anything to get rid of the ones I’ve got – I want to be a ballet dancer and my genes REALLY aren’t helping… ha ha 😉
One of the most difficult things is accepting that we look like us and not like whoever we happen to admire, and yet who really decides what’s ‘pretty’? Who defines what’s ‘beautiful’? Some of the prettiest people I know, in my opinion, don’t fit into conventional ideas about beauty…
I absolutely agree. Hollywood defines a lot of it but now that the power belongs to the Internet, as demonstrated by the SOPA/PIPA protest most recently, maybe we can change that 😉
I’ve always been self-conscious of my legs. Even when I was thinner, I still had thicker calves and ankles.
And my daughter is on the opposite end of pippins. Sure she gets a lot of attention (which she doesn’t mind, but I do ha ha), but she also sees a chiropractor for her back, and wears a sports bra everyday over her bra.
I think it’s these “flaws” that eventually get us to look inward.
I love your gratitude list–beautiful!!
Thank you Coleen! Poor thing. That sounds like it hurts. I know… I’ve come to realize I should be thankful for what I have. As active as I am, they’d only get in the way 😉
And here’s to embracing your legs!! 🙂
Two words: stretch marks. When I was 13, my boobs decided to finally come in… and they went from nothing to a large C in about four months. In the next year they grew until they hit DD.
I have the stretch marks to prove it. In the last few years (23-27) they have finally faded from livid purple and pink marks to silvery white dips in my skin. They’re still there, they still spread from my armpits almost to my sternum, and they still make my skin frail and strange looking, but I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that they’re not going away. I can be glad that I have been blessed with a chest that gets me free drinks. I can even take my shirt off around my fiance and not desperately hide my boobs, but it was a long hard road to get there.
Now my weight… my weight I’m still struggling with. The majority of it is because of the meds I take, and I have to be very careful about what I eat to not gain, much less lose weight. So, I’m still working on that one!
I have friends who had similar experiences to yours in terms of stretch marks. Ouch! But I’m so glad you now accept yourself the way you are. And yes, we always have something to work on, like our weight, but what I’ve come to realize is it’s so much easier to get the results I want if I first accept where I’m at. Makes the meantime a much nicer place to live 🙂
Thanks so much for sharing your pain with us. I am so glad you decided to stay as you were made. I’m sure you’re beautiful just as you are. The girls in my family had a variety of breast sizes and we came up with a descriptive words…
BOOBS – for my sister and daughter who both naturally had FF breasts. This is accompanied by a motion of each palm cupped under the area of the projected breasts.
Boobs for the C cup in the family (me and another sister)
Boobies for the B cups among us (my sister in law
Boobettes for the A cup my daughter flaunted.
Ironically, only the two with BOOBS ever thought about surgery to take some of the weight off their backs and shoulders. (neither went through with it.)
so we treated it with humor and the range of sizes gave us a chuckle.
thanks again
That’s awesome! Love the Boobettes! Sounds like the Rockettes 😉 I used to take life soooo seriously but now approach most things with a healthy sense of humor, like you guys do, including things I used to be insecure about. 🙂 Thanks for sharing Louise!
Ahhh, boobs. Who’da thunk two pockets of fat on our chests could cause us so much angst? 🙂 Mine are large and in charge and have been since I was an 8th grade girlie-tomboy. Not an easy thing to cart around working cattle and climbing trees…or cheerleading. (All that jumping? Blarg.) I’ve grown into them, though – really, it’d probably be more accurate to say that I’ve grown into myself. I’m comfortable with who I am as a person, and cool with what I see in the mirror.
Huh. That’s a nice thing to type, and mean it.
Love this post, Miss Ingrid! I think you’re gorgeous just the way you are! Happy Friday!
Too funny!! Aw… thanks 🙂 Yeah… just writing this was so liberating and made me accept myself for who I am even more. It’s all the little things we hang onto that we think are a big deal but once we let them go (and announce them to the world 😉 ) they seem so much less significant. Thanks for the beautiful comment!!
Wow, such a powerful post. Thank you for sharing it. I actually had great boobs, read the ‘had’. After 3 pregnancies and nursing all 3 of those babies for quite a while, well, my bazookies ain’t what they used to be. 😉 Every now and again I’ll think it would be nice if they could get a little ‘perk’ back in them but then I remember those babies lived off these suckers and I’m proud of them. They served their true purpose and now they spend their days plopped into a sports bra!
hehe! Yep! That is their true purpose isn’t it 😉 That’s beautiful. How lucky you are to have 3 children… my dream. We are the life-givers and must always remember that. It’s such a wonderful privilege 😉
Oh all of these posts are so inspirational and authentic. Love it! Trust me Ingrid, most of us with big boobs would be happy to trade for pippins! Nothing is ever perfect and knowing that makes us beautiful … although “willowy” would be sooo nice … never mind!
hahaha! You’re too funny but that’s exactly it. Every time a see a Victoria’s Secret catalog, I just gotta stop myself. We are beautiful… just the way we are 🙂
Great post Ingrid. I love your gratitude list, everybody should have one and read it often.
Agreed! Time to look at the glass as half full 🙂 But as I’ve come to find in my soul searching, my cup over-floweth, even if it’s not the one around my chest 😉
Ah, Ingrid, this is an absolutely beautiful post. For a long time, I was on the opposite side of the fence — my boobs were so big that I felt ill whenever I looked at them (at their biggest, one was a DDD and the other was a DD). I ended up having surgery 5 years ago and went down to a C cup, and it was the most magnificent thing that ever happened to me.
But I hear you about having to remain vigilant about those criticizing voices. I know now that I will never fully banish them, but constant self-affirmation definitely helps to keep them at bay. Thank you for sharing this story with us!
Thank you Lena 🙂 Glad you enjoyed it! And I’m so glad you were able to get surgery. Sounds like it was exactly what you needed 🙂 I have friends that are eagerly awaiting an opportunity to have a reduction so what a blessing you were able to have it done. Awesome!
In reading these posts, there are so many “issues” I’ve also dealt with (acne, too hairy, straggly hair, big ears, and much, much more), so I can relate well. My list has gone from one end of the spectrum to the other. I was always Skinny Lynnie when I was young. I remember my mom taking me to the doctor when I was 13 to see if there was something wrong. I wasn’t developing, it seems. He assured her I was normal. I think she was more worried then than I was. I finally did get something, but not much, so I can relate to what you’ve gone through. I got teased about it, too. Ouch. Did I ever consider implants? Yep, for about 5 seconds. There’s no way I’d have surgery. Too chicken. With each of my four pregnancies, I almost turned into Dolly Parton. It was comical to see my body change so drastically, then deflate into almost nothing after nursing. Inflate, deflate, inflate, deflate – four times. I became sickly thin after the fourth. I always hated my chicken legs. I would have loved to have muscular legs. I always thought dancer legs (whether tall or short dancers) were beautiful.
Now that I’m older, I’ve gained weight. My face looks healthier, and that’s the only plus about that weight gain. I can’t believe how big my butt and thighs are, and wonder of wonder, my chest, too! That was a surprise. Big deal (LOL!), they sag. It’s not so great, truly. The change of life brings lots of surprises, for Pete’s sake, but we just have to go with the flow. With all my flaws and imperfections, I have to say that the fifties are some of the best years of my life. And it’s the joy of life, pure living and breathing, with all its ups and downs and sorrows, that makes me realize that worrying about my flaws is a waste of time and energy.
Thanks for sharing your story, Ingrid. You are beautiful inside and out. I never heard “pippins” before, and I love it! Yep, Sami’s a keeper!
Worrying about flaws is SUCH a waste of energy. I couldn’t agree more. But maybe if you grew into a more curvaceous body there’s still hope for me yet 😉
Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. 🙂
I live in LA and it does a number on your head, no doubt. So glad you listened to your heart. I’m a round, busty girl who has always wanted an athletic dancer’s body. Isn’t funny how we just assume that whatever we aren’t is what we should be? Thank you for a beautiful post.
That’s a great way of putting it- that we always think whatever we are isn’t what we should be. So true. Because the truth is, the way we are is EXACTLY the way we should be.
Btw, an older actor friend of mine was astonished that I never got a boob job after 9 years in LA. LOL!
Great blog!!!!
love,
Mom
Love you Mama! You always inspired me in accepting myself exactly the way I am 🙂 Thank you.
I have to banish those voices to the cave as well. I too, am very small up top, and it has always been a bone of contention with me. I love being pregnant and nursing, because they grew!! But then they shrank to smaller then they were to begin with. But like you I can’t stand the thought of having surgery to change them. I turn 40 this year and I’ve finally decided that my body is just how it should be and am so greatful for the things I can do with my body. What a beautiful post, thank you so much for sharing:)
You’re welcome Kara! And thank you for sharing your beautiful story. Funny how it often takes getting older to truly accept ourselves. That’s why I tell people, I’d never want to go back to my 20s unless I could know then what I know now. 🙂
Loved your post. I realize it’s all in the perspective. I’ve always been slightly embarrassed by my generous breasts and used to wear extra large tops to hide them.
Now, I’m more accepting of them. I may not flaunt them but I don’t cover up their shape.
I’m just glad my body is still healthy and carries me where I want to go.
Absolutely! We should revere our bodies for allowing us to live our lives!
Thank you for the beautiful comment 🙂
I have a weird bra size. I’m usually sized incorrectly at mall stores because, well, they want me to buy from them and they don’t actually have my size. Then I discovered a line that was just right for me. Since they made bras for tiny frames, I didn’t even take their smallest size (or non-size)! And I wasn’t an A cup for a change (yay for 30B!)…
Wow! That’s awesome. A friend of mine used to do the same- she’d have them specially made. I should look into that 😉
Oh Yeah. Just wait until about age 50 when suddenly pippins are all the rage. An older close friend confided recently that her breasts almost touch her belly button. That will never be in my future, I replied, and we both had a good laugh.
Also, if you are ever tempted again, imagine how strange it is for pathologists to come across elderly women whose time has passed, on the autopsy table, with regular aged bodies and 20 year olds’ breasts.
Thank you for the great post. Your honesty becomes you. Beautiful.
I know. My ex worked in surgery and would often comment on the older women who came thru with boob jobs. Another reason he was against me having the surgery because he saw what they’d turn into. But I must say, kudos to those who do get them. I know friends whose lives were changed because they got implants. I just know for me, it was not the answer.
Thank you for the beautiful comment 🙂
I was bullied for years in school. The reasons varied but I remember being told that my nose is too big, I’m not pretty enough, or not popular enough to have friends. Strangely no one complained about my breasts, but they complained about other body parts. It took me a long time to learn to like myself as I am. Its still a struggle, but no where near how hard it was during my ate teens.
I hear that. The younger years are tough! I remember being called horse face because I had big teeth and hadn’t yet grown into them. Kids are brutal but so glad you’ve finally accepted yourself. I think it’s normal to struggle at times but as long as we are consciously seeking acceptance, we’re doing the best we can 🙂