When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
I quote Maya Angelou on this one.
Now I’m not saying we can’t give people a second chance. But when they repeatedly tell you, or better yet, show you who they are, believe them.
Four years ago, after my divorce, I fell in love. It was love at first sight. From the moment I saw him, I knew he was the one for me. He seemed to feel the same. I could see it in his eyes when we first met. It was like the dreamweaver sequence from Wayne’s World. Remember that? Where Wayne sees the hot Tia Carrere on stage and Dreamweaver starts playing in the background? That’s what happened.
We were on set shooting a short film. He, the director and I, the actor. And at the end of our 10-hour day, I handed him my number. In a very discreet way so as to not tip-off any of the rest of the crew.
It had been exactly a year since my separation, only six months since my official divorce, and I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to be in love. But a week into us knowing each other, I asked him if he wanted kids and he plainly said, “I don’t know.”
The moment he said that, my heart sank. A gloomy feeling came over me and I couldn’t utter another word. He apologized, sensing my disappointment, but continued on with his conviction. He explained that until he had a successful career, which could take years, he couldn’t consider a family.
It was clear he wasn’t going to budge.
But instead of listening to what he and my gut were both trying to tell me, I decided to hear what I wanted to hear.
Well, he didn’t say he didn’t want any kids. He just said he didn’t know.
Maybe he’ll change his mind.
This feels right. How could it be so wrong if it feels so right?
But a year later as I was sobbing in heartache over our collapsed union, I learned that cold, hard facts need not be ignored en lieu of feelings.
He never deviated from how he felt. He stood firm on his beliefs, something I admired then and now. But on some level I was hoping that he would change his mind.
How often do we do this? Not just in love relationships but in friendships and work situations? We see something that’s not in alignment with our values, goals or desires yet we choose to ignore it. We choose to believe the version we prefer instead of the one being shown to us.
But by doing so, in the end, we only have ourselves to blame. What’s the saying? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Now, I don’t regret this relationship at all. In fact, I’m sincerely grateful it happened. The lessons I learned were invaluable:
Stay true to yourself.
Listen to your instincts.
Never abandon who you are as a person for the sake of another.
People will only change on their own accord, not because we will them to.
And most importantly: When someone shows you who they are, believe them. The first time.
So what are your thoughts? Ever been under the influence of feelings and ignored what your gut was telling you? Have you ever chosen to believe your version of someone rather than really listening to what they were trying to tell you? Or have you ever been on the receiving end of someone who just wouldn’t listen to what you were trying to tell them?
Photo courtesy of 500 Days of Summer
Pff, if only this were easily done. Our hearts are too convincing.
Right!? It’s a toughie.
“So what are your thoughts?”
Ingrid,
This is big stuff. This one blog page is worth about five years of the bald geezer on telly.
“Ever been under the influence of feelings and ignored what your gut was telling you?”
Oh yes. Felt it happening too. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Knew it, and ate the damn apple just the same. I was 42 and should WELL have known better.
“Or have you ever been on the receiving end of someone who just wouldn’t listen to what you were trying to tell them?”
Oh, well that’s just a thing about communication. For years I honed my ability to communicate. I studied it, body language, words, the lot.
Thing is, some people aren’t going to listen, simply because they are not in that place to be able to receive at that time, they don’t want to, are too selfish, or regrettably, are simply too stupid.
You simply have to learn to live, with some element of selfish kindness, for yourself.
And that’s okay. Once you accept that, and honestly stop trying to live life as it should be, rather than how it is, things become clearer and easier.
I gotta tell ya, I am rocked by the depth of your honesty to yourself. Pretty admirable, and maybe a bit intimidating to most of us males:)
brendan
Awww. Thanks Brendan 🙂 And I completely agree.
Well I’ve been in places where I wasn’t so honest with myself. So now that I’ve learned it’s much easier in the long-run to just be honest with yourself and others, I figure- why not put it all out there!? 😉
Oops, that reads that I agree I’m intimidating to men. LOL! I meant I agree with your views. I hope I’m not too intimidating to men 😉
“I hope I’m not too intimidating to men ;)”
Ingrid,
If it isn’t improper, I think you’re quite delightful and you don’t intimidate me.
In a long life, it has become apparent to me that men are MUCH more intimidated by honest women than women think they are.
I didn’t get this, didn’t understand it at all until I was well stricken in years. I’m used to hanging around with big, rough, tough type-A cops. At times, the BS and lies were maddening.
Women give us men, (and these are of course generalities) far too much credit for smarts that we neither possess nor desire.
Men are exactly like dogs. Give simple instructions on what will make YOU happy, then smile, coo and pat him on the head when he carries out those instructions properly. Overanalysis of male reasoning will frustrate and simply annoy you, don’t waste time.
Laugh and object to my reasoning if you wish. 99% of the time, the above is true.
I like strong, smart women, for some reason that eludes me, not all men do. Life is tough, if there’s two smart, strong folks working together, it has to help, surely?
brendan
Wow Brendan. I think you need to write a book on dating. What you just spelled out here could save lots of women a lotta time and heartache!
I find it fascinating that men find honesty intimidating. That subject right there is worth inquiry and possibly its own book. Wow. Well as far as I go, I can’t be anyone other than who I am so all I ask is that the man I’m with like me just the way I am. Not too much to ask right!? 😉
Thanks for your candid and HONEST comment 🙂
What an incredible post Ingrid. I too have experienced this lesson and learned the hard way. My first husband was, as he liked to call himself, a recreational pot smoker. To me, he was a habitual pot smoker. I think when we married, I believe I could handle it and that as he matured, he’d grow out of it. Regardless, as it turned out, I couldn’t. It wasn’t me and it wasn’t inline with how I wanted to live. The day I asked for a divorce was the day he told me he’d never quit pot for me!
And you know, I don’t hold it against him. I was never angry at that statement. Hurt yes but never angry. To be honest, I’ve always RESPECTED him for it. His honesty made my decision very easy. His honestly saved us both a lot of wasted time.
Too often we try to fit a square peg into a round hole trying to “make” a relationship work. If he’d only change. If I could only change.
Sometimes – we are who we are and LOVE isn’t the only thing that makes a relationship successful. Shared values, beliefs, lifestyle etc are all equally important! Like baking a cake, you need all the ingredients to make it work.
I am really sorry you had to hurt and struggle. Here’s to having learned that one and to much success going forward. HUGS
Thanks Natalie! You took the words right outta my mouth. Had I extended this blog, I would’ve included that it takes more than just love to keep a relationship together. So thank you for making that point. If we’re in it for the long-haul, we have to consider lots of other things other than just our feelings. What an experience that must’ve been for you! But glad you were able to move on and find someone more compatible with you as a whole. That’s awesome 🙂
such a good post, Ingrid.
listening. listen. be still. and listen. those are powerful things to do. they can teach us so much. thanks for the good reminder.
Absolutely! Glad you liked it 🙂
Seems like we humans have to be served a bit of pain along with our lessons in order to learn them well. Sorry you had to go through this, Ingrid, but on the other hand, I’m glad you got through it.
Me too David 🙂 And it prompted me on this threadbare journey that’s made me who I am so I wouldn’t change a thing. So long as we pick ourselves up, learn from our mistakes, and move forward, what else can we do? 😉
Hi Ingrid,
I am passing this award on to you.
Please click on the link for more info:
http://verticaltales.wordpress.com/2012/03/05/mrs-sparklys-ten-commands/
Just a token of my appreciation for your blog!
Cheers, George
Thanks George 🙂 So sweet of you! Nice to know we’ve met before. LOL!
You’re quite welcome, Ingrid! Ah, the twists of fate! 🙂
Often hoping for change in a person ends exactly as you described. What might be worse is when one person actually intends/attempts to change another, which rarely works. We need to accept people as they are. Only then can a relationship be founded on honesty and truly blossom.
This quote is a huge eye-opener isn’t it? I big A-HA moment and lesson. I remember hearing Maya Angelou saying this on an episode of Oprah…and it is so true.
That may have been where I heard it. It’s a great one though isn’t it! I also like the one, believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see.
I’ve learned, believe what people show you, not what they tell you.
Yep. Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see 🙂
So true! Great post!
Great blog, Inge!!!
Love,
Mom
It’s so important we listen and observe our loved ones, then we can hear them. Then we can act on what we hear. well done Ingrid. great post
Completely agree Louise.
So, so, so true! I had a few relationships where they told me exactly what they were like/wanted/etc and I just saw my own wants and needs for them. Man, that really sucks when you realized they were right. Even when I met my husband and he told me, no he showed me, what kind of man he was, I kept thinking he was wrong. Turns out, I really liked the guy he really was and probably would’ve broken up with him if he’d been the guy I thought he should’ve been. If that makes any sense! Anyway, listen to your gut, not your romantic dream.
Makes total sense. And a great way to put it! Thanks Tameri 🙂
geez. i could write a book on this, but i won’t do it here. 🙂 i am complete agreement that it is so so so important to stay true to who you are, to not waver, to be honest with yourself & others, to listen to what your heart desires and to trust your instincts. beautiful post! thanks for sharing!
Thanks Liz 🙂
Great post. I have been on the end of someone who pretended to be something they were not. A total fake, it lasted through 6 years of marriage, until at last the facade fell and all was revealed to be a lie. Though I wish I hadn’t had to go through that pain, I’ll be forever grateful for my children born from that relationship.
Beautiful 🙂
Oooh, yeah! Walked that road a gajillion times. Sometimes they’re lying, but most of the time, they are telling the God’s honest truth and we just don’t want to listen. 🙂
Yep! Or sometimes they’re saying one thing and their actions reveal the opposite. So I’ve learned to look at actions before words 😉
I love that quote- I remember seeing it in Oprah’s magazine attributed to Maya Angelou- and of course she’s right 🙂 I have tried to live my life by this and send people away when they show me they aren’t someone who is good to have in my life.
That’s awesome. Me too and thank you for reminding me where I first heard this 🙂 I’d forgotten!
Fantastic post, Ingrid. Love, lust, infatuation… They can all make that little voice inside us hush to mime volume. 😉 I’ve learned the hard way, too…Aye!
Fortunately, we can learn and grow from our mistakes. Your story’s a great example!
Thanks August 🙂 Lust and infatuation and slippery slopes for sure. And often the reason we ignore the other more important factors. Glad I learned that lesson though. Whew!
Excellent insight. Those rose-colored glasses can get us in trouble every time. I think the best lesson is that we really can’t change others. Also, I tell people that if they plan to have kids, imagine their partner’s worst quality on a two year old in the middle of a tantrum because it probably will show up in your children at some point. 😉
That said, I’m glad I listened to my gut that my husband was the one. Nineteen years in and happier than ever! (Plus, we said well ahead of time we wanted two kids…and had exactly two kids.)
My comment never published! Must’ve been a glitch. 19 years… that’s amazing! Your happiness exudes from your picture. That’s so wonderful. Love hearing about long-term marriage success 🙂
First, I have to say that this image comes from my former student’s husband’s film. I don’t know if you know Lauren Levy or her husband, but you said you used to work in film. ‘Nuff said.
I had a similar experience to you many years ago. A man I loved and professed to love me said he didn’t know if he ever wanted to get married.
And we had been together for FIVE years at this point. Yeah. Nice, right?
The decision to leave was awful. And he did marry someone — six months later after he’d knocked her up. It didn’t last.
I moved on and went on to have adventures in New York and New Orleans. I met my husband, and our family rocks.
But five years of self delusion? Really? I’m with you. Once someone shows you — Hell, tells you, who they are: believe them.
Great post. Glad Gene Lempp sent me this way.
Awesome! So nice to meet you Renee!! WOW! Sounds like you and I have lots in common. The moment my ex and I broke up, I moved to New York. Like, a week and a half later. I had lived in LA for 9 years but that was all it took and I was outta there. You could say, it was the tipping point.
But I love that your breakup sent you on your journey that ultimately landed you what sounds like an awesome husband and the family you were meant to have. That’s amazing. It reads like a fairy tale 🙂 And certainly gives me lots of hope 🙂 Thanks for sharing Renee!!
This is so true… We have to look past the handsome face with the charm and the material things. We cannot make someone want things. I had someone tell me he cheated on his ex fiancé. He also let a few demeaning things slip out of his mouth a month or two into dating. I thought he had baggage from his ex and accepted the apology and excused it. He was very affectionate and would fo anything for me but this is who he was. It was deep rooted These were huge red flags. He told me and showed me who he was but I wanted the glamorous lifestyle and all the things that came with it. Please save yourselves a lot of heartache and walk away when your guy tells you! My life is still not the same after almost a year and I am trying to find ways to be my old self gain. If I had listened I would not be in this position.
True. Sorry you had to go through that but know that others have dealt with similar situations before, myself included. So don’t be so hard on yourself. The sooner you can accept what happened, let go, and move forward the better off you’ll be. 🙂
I first saw this on Oprah’s Lifeclass. It’s such deep advice that it gave me the greatest sense of peace. That’s when you know you’ve heard Truth, with a capital T. When it gives you such peace and joy inside, even in the moment you realize that some people in your life aren’t good for you, and never were.
I imagine this philosophy is tested sometimes. What about situations where everyone else in the world, even people whose opinions you trust, like the person? And you’re standing alone with the deep knowing that they’re no good for your life?
This is honestly such deep advice, that I am sitting here trying to think back on every person I have ever known! haha
Wonderful blog, thank you for it.
You’re so welcome! And in response to your question, I think we always know deep down if someone is or isn’t good for us. And it doesn’t matter if others think they’re great. They may very well be. But just because they’re a good person doesn’t mean they’re good for YOU. I was in a relationship for a very long time with a GOOD guy, and everyone around me loved him, but he wasn’t right for me. So I think you just have to listen to your gut. To your intuition. That’s my two cents anyway 🙂 Hope that helps.
Thanks Ingrid for the reminder !!! When I married my 2nd husband in 1998 he kept showing me who he was before I married him, we even went to a counselor, and he didn’t think we should get married. Did I listen, nor did I listen to the Spirit within !!! However on the other side of the coin I am glad I married him because I grew by leaps and bounds & so did he !!! We are now both Grateful for the experience and are very good friends !!! When he showed up, in a different face , this year I turned away very quickly and thanked God for the gift of remembering, I already learned that lesson !!! So I guess everything is always in Divine order !!!
Absolutely Susan! And how great you recognized “him” again and knew not to go there. That’s huge!
This whole idea of believing someone the first time when they show their true colors, in this case something that doesn`t align and match up with our values, is an amazing concept and Maya Angelou is wonderful for sharing it! And thank you for sharing yyour story! I could have applied the whole believing concept to my 2 terrible relationship and stopped hoping two losers would change and I could have began believing and simulaneously started running for the hills when ever some toxic bitches befrenemied errr, I mean befriended me, lol :-). Ah, lessons learned through our pain. I`m actually writing a personal essay now based on that quote and based on my past with people I should have believed the first time!
That’s great! If you publish that essay I’d love to read it. Good you’ve learned through your pain. That’s the best we can hope for. They don’t call them growing pains for nothin’. Thank you for sharing!